here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
did i just pee glitter
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
