you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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