The best revenge is premature balding
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
