The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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