u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
someone owes me an orgasm
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize