Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
