I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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