Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
