Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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