My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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