A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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