the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
