I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
