you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
