Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
