I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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