good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Randomize