Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
