is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
