Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
