he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
