Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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