I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
