Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
