U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
we're so committed to being not committed
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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