you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize