On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
