Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
