feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
