I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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