We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
