I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
