my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize