Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I am mentally ready for anal.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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