i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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