Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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