i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
