I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
