The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
