I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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