I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Drake has all the answers
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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