so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
