I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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