Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize