Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
