Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
