Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize