Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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