in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
