I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
