I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
