did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
