I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
