Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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