My Higher Power is John Stamos
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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