Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
