the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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