wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
