you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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