The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
