I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
