tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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