the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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